Remember those high school cliques where certain groups seemed impenetrable? You’d think that dynamic would fade with age—but it often resurfaces in adulthood, just in more sophisticated forms. From friend circles to workplace teams, the tendency to form exclusive subgroups is common and damaging.

Take this scenario: A group of women forms a social circle to organize events—birthdays, holiday parties, or even travel plans. Over time, a few members start a smaller, more exclusive subgroup, making decisions separately while keeping the original group in the loop just enough to maintain appearances. The women left out notice the shift but aren’t sure how to respond. Should they confront it? Let it go? Pretend it doesn’t bother them?

This pattern mirrors what happens in professional settings too. A project team works closely together, but soon a smaller “inner circle” emerges. Decisions are made behind closed doors, and certain voices are unintentionally (or deliberately) left out. The excluded team members feel overlooked and undervalued, but speaking up might risk being labeled as difficult or insecure.

Why This Happens

At its core, this behavior stems from human nature—the need to feel secure and connected. We gravitate toward familiarity, comfort, and trust. Smaller groups form because people naturally want to surround themselves with those who validate and understand them. But when exclusivity breeds secrecy and subtle exclusion, it creates a culture of mistrust and resentment.

How to Break the Cycle

  • Acknowledge It Without Bitterness – Feeling left out is human, but personalizing it leads to more frustration. Recognize that people form closer bonds naturally, and it’s not always malicious.
  • Communicate Openly – If you feel excluded, express it calmly and without accusations. “I noticed some decisions are being made separately—can we align on how we approach this as a team?”
  • Create Space for Inclusion – If you’re in the “inner circle,” make an effort to loop others in. Inclusion isn’t about losing closeness—it’s about ensuring everyone feels heard and valued.
  • Find Your Own Circle – It’s natural to gravitate toward some people more than others. Focus on building genuine connections rather than forcing inclusion where it doesn’t feel right.
  • Stay Professional and Detached – In the workplace, not every relationship will be personal. Keep interactions professional, and focus on the work rather than the social dynamics.

Moving Forward

Whether in social circles or at work, the solution isn’t to demand inclusion—it’s to create an environment where everyone feels they have a voice and a place. Authenticity and respect matter more than the size of your circle. Instead of chasing acceptance, focus on building meaningful connections where you’re valued for who you are.